You guys, there are bad movies and then there are BAD F*CKING MOVIES. Sharktopus vs. Pteracuda is one of the latter. There is no one I recognize in this movie except for Conan O’Brien. Also, this doesn’t seem to be an Asylum production and the acting is noticeably worse than most Asylum joints which is something I didn’t know was possible outside of Twilight. Basically the best actors in the movie are Sharktopus and Pteracuda. Let’s get going, shall we?
Hey friends! Long time no see, I know, but apparently it’s Sharknado Week on SyFy, and I just couldn’t ignore the siren call of the Asylum and their exquisitely bad movies any longer. I am writing this post on the premiere date of Sharktopus vs. Pteracuda so expect a recap of that in the future.
Unbelievably, I haven’t caught the first Sharknado yet but I know that it stars Steve from 90210 (Ian Ziering) and Tara Reid, and that Steve gets eaten by a shark but chainsaws his way through its body like you do. I was ok with not having any more background than that for Sharknado 2: The Second One, so let’s hit it after the jump.
Before I get started, I want to make a Public Service Announcement about breast cancer. After publishing my last post, I realized I made it sound like breast cancer treatment was a breeze, which is super not-true. I had two surgeries followed by 6.5 weeks of daily radiation treatment and was HIGHLY lucky that I didn’t have to do chemotherapy in between. I’m ok now, but for sure it wasn’t a walk in the park, and I did have a much easier time than many women (and men!) with breast cancer. So, you know, just so I don’t perptuate any pretty pink stereotypes about breast cancer.
Now, let’s get to the good shit. Or, rather the bad shit, as it were.
To my dear 7 readers:
Obviously, I’ve been gone for a while. 2012 has been the most hugely paradoxical year of my life. To briefly review:
The really bad: Breast cancer. There is really nothing like hearing the words “You have cancer.” It sucks most heavily.
The better: I am cancer-free today and hope to stay that way always. Treatment wasn’t horrible and now I am just on medication and the occasional doctor visit, unlike the time just after diagnosis when I would pull into a hospital parking lot and have to think about who I was there to see that day and why.
The best: I met the love of my life. He utterly gets me. We are looking forward to being a man/woman version of Waldorf and Statler in our old age.
Anyway, so between this, that, and the other, I got derailed from my blistering critiques of shitty movies. Now I feel it’s time to come back, if for no other reason than Netflix and Amazon Instant Video have been assaulting my senses with an amazing selection of bad movies.
Dracula 3000: starting Casper van Dien, Erika Eleniak (yes, of erstwhile Baywatch fame and fortune), and wait for it. No seriously, wait for it. COOLIO. If you had thought the rest of your existence safe from Coolio, you were not alone and you were also super-wrong.
Birdemic: yeah I don’t even know the people in this. Suffice it to say no one took home an Oscar from this.
Abraham Lincoln vs. Zombies: That’s right, zombies and not the vampire hunter version that was on the big screen this year.
Killer Klowns from Outer Space: This is some serious fucking sacrifice I make for you, 7 Readers, because clowns really do freak my shit out.
Making notes on Dracula 3000 today, so look for it in the next couple/few days. It’s good to be back. Ish.
At the urging of my friend Amy, I am taking a break from movies to review the pilot of the new NBC sitcom, Whitney. I knew from the commercials that I wanted to punch this show in the throat, so I reluctantly agreed that this would be a good vehicle for my brand of bitter commentary.
Whitney stars Whitney Cummings, a comedienne I have never really cared for the few times I’ve seen her talk. Her style is crass and stereotypical without ever making it to funny, in my opinion. Is her new sitcom more of the same schtick? If you feel the motivation, let’s find out.
Mutant Vampire Zombies from the ‘Hood!
Rating: I don’t know, IMDB didn’t even have poster art for this thing.
Released somewhere in 2008
Running Time: IMDB thinks 90 minutes, Netflix Instant thinks 81.
Starring: C. Thomas Howell STAY GOLD, PONYBOY!!! and Tyshawn Bryant
When the opening credits unfolded I thought maybe I had the wrong film because it looked like an off-brand Star Wars. But the graffiti font title exuberantly confirmed that I had indeed landed in the intended bag of crap.
Here are some of the upcoming titles I hope to endure for the entertainment of my 7 or so readers!
Shark Attack 3: Megalodon: starring a bunch of people I don’t know but I feel the title is self-explanatory. Actually I feel that way about most of the titles I selected.
The Last Airbender: I have never watched the TV show that inspired this movie but I have heard the movie has standalone rottenness.
Eye of the Beast: starring James Van Der Beek, better known as DAWSON’S CREEK. I hope he cries at some point during this film.
Birdemic: Shock and Terror: starring a bunch of people including Tippi Hedren, of the original Hitchcock joint The Birds.
Mutant Vampire Zombies from the ‘Hood!: Not like I could go wrong based on the title alone but this also stars C. Thomas Howell aka PONYBOY! STAY GOLD AND ZOMBIE-FREE, PONYBOY!