Mutant Vampire Zombies from the ‘Hood!
Rating: I don’t know, IMDB didn’t even have poster art for this thing.
Released somewhere in 2008
Running Time: IMDB thinks 90 minutes, Netflix Instant thinks 81.
Starring: C. Thomas Howell STAY GOLD, PONYBOY!!! and Tyshawn Bryant
When the opening credits unfolded I thought maybe I had the wrong film because it looked like an off-brand Star Wars. But the graffiti font title exuberantly confirmed that I had indeed landed in the intended bag of crap.
Here are some of the upcoming titles I hope to endure for the entertainment of my 7 or so readers!
Shark Attack 3: Megalodon: starring a bunch of people I don’t know but I feel the title is self-explanatory. Actually I feel that way about most of the titles I selected.
The Last Airbender: I have never watched the TV show that inspired this movie but I have heard the movie has standalone rottenness.
Eye of the Beast: starring James Van Der Beek, better known as DAWSON’S CREEK. I hope he cries at some point during this film.
Birdemic: Shock and Terror: starring a bunch of people including Tippi Hedren, of the original Hitchcock joint The Birds.
Mutant Vampire Zombies from the ‘Hood!: Not like I could go wrong based on the title alone but this also stars C. Thomas Howell aka PONYBOY! STAY GOLD AND ZOMBIE-FREE, PONYBOY!
So I left all 7 of you hanging in the middle of the dumbest catfight since Lindsay Lohan and Hilary Duff got into it over that tool, Aaron Carter. (<- this is why I can’t learn new things – inappropriate memory allocation) Debs and Tiffy have just thrown each other into the water, Sidekick has likely gotten eaten by gator or python or both and Cruz from Santa Barbara is cursing the day he let Oprah validate him as a totally useful resource in the Care and Handling of RidonkoBeasts.
When last we left our Has-Been Bubblegum Pop Icons, they were careening towards a cinematic showdown with Tiffy on the side of the gators and Debs firmly on Team Python. (Yes, that probably was written on a public restroom wall about her. Just remember, folks, who among you can really cast the first stone there, glass houses, etc etc). Will Cruz from Santa Barbara come to break up the inept bitchery? Let’s find out!
Mega Python vs. Gatoroid
Rating: Come on y’all, this is straight-to-TV
Running Time: 90 min
Unleashed upon the world in 2011
Starring: DEBORAH GIBSON. TIFFANY. AND OH SHIT THEY GOT CRUZ FROM SANTA BARBARA
Now, if you’ve read my synopsis of Mega Piranha, you know this is a battle I had hoped that Tiffany would lose and lose hard. But mere minutes into the movie I was hoping for both these numbnuts to get eaten by any given giant creature available. So did they? This here is the best way to find out. Let’s hit it!