Mutant Vampire Zombies from the ‘Hood!
Rating: I don’t know, IMDB didn’t even have poster art for this thing.
Released somewhere in 2008
Running Time: IMDB thinks 90 minutes, Netflix Instant thinks 81.
Starring: C. Thomas Howell STAY GOLD, PONYBOY!!! and Tyshawn Bryant
When the opening credits unfolded I thought maybe I had the wrong film because it looked like an off-brand Star Wars. But the graffiti font title exuberantly confirmed that I had indeed landed in the intended bag of crap.
Mutant Vampire Zombies from the Hood! takes place in and around Los Angeles. This was released in 2008 but was very much filmed to look like 70s blaxploitation, which is to say, stunningly low-budget. I mean Blair Witch cinematography up in here. Apropos of fuckall, the producer/director’s name is Thunder Levin. Also original score by Kurt Oldman who was clearly just playing the “Funk 2” rhythm track on the Casio keyboard on a loop.
Deep within a warehouse somewhere, a Jets vs. Sharks scenario quickly unfolds except with Asians, blacks, drugs, and Ponyboy and his partner as the cops ready to collar everyone involved. Before they can do this though, a solar flare envelops the earth and everyone passes out. Ponyboy wakes up but his partner’s been shot and the self-proclaimed homies have him at gunpoint. Everyone soon discovers the sky looks like an amazingly badly-tuned tv and the streets are empty.
The homies investigate when they hear one of their men (Darnell) screaming. FD&C Red #5 blood is strewn across alley walls, and by the fact that it’s still wet they manage to deduce it is fresh blood. They find Darnell with his neck ripped open to shit and he begs them to kill him. What could have done this to Darnell? Well, here come the zombies. surprisingly unafraid of and unaffected by gunfire. Suddenly Pai Mei comes out of the woodwork with a rifle and takes the zombie in the head. Pai Mei has had a bit of Night Train, incidentally.
Pai Mei leads the homies to a rooftop to watch the zombie eating carnage below. They figure out because they were underground or otherwise protected at the onset of the flare, they weren’t zombified. Good to know. They also figure out cars won’t start after the solar flare. Shit. Through the miracle of public access television, which is now the only station broadcasting, they are led to a professor and his daughter who are rallying the survivors in Santa Monica. Also they are urged to bring guns, all the guns they can find. Which is cool because Ponyboy has a fuckton in the trunk of his car.
There ensues a string of confrontations with various zombies resulting in most minor characters dying, starting with minorities obviously but to their credit, Ponyboy is really the only white man around, so of course everyone else has to die first. The survivors make their way slowly to Santa Monica, walking super slowly on side streets and dealing with a creepy but still coherent variant of the zombies on the way. Incidentally, the zombies in this movie are in pursuit of sex in addition to brains which entails some gratuitous shock value sexual assault to both genders. F- times a billion, especially since it adds nothing to the plot.
The survivors finally make it to the professor’s house in Santa Monica where his daughter has been kicking zombie ass and figuring out how they work (including a zombie autopsy) and they have a plan to get away. The professor apparently always thought the world was going to get fucked up somehow and has a compound somewhere that is stocked with food and zombieproof. To make a long bag of crap somewhat shorter, yes, they finally escape the zombies to get in a plane and fly there (somehow the professor got around aviation fuel) but not before all the other minor characters fell to the zombies. Including all the Asians. It’s like Red House Furniture up in here. So let’s just cut to
WTF GOULASH OF IMAGES:
- A woman gets her arm and dress ripped off and runs away with virtually no blood spatter and by the way she wasn’t wearing a bra.
- In relating how his wife left him and went back to Philly with the cat, Ponyboy declares the cat must be one brain-eating pissed-off pussy right now! What.
- The Asians have a discussion among themselves whereupon they make such pithy comments as “philosophical shit Confucius” and “Bruce Lee returns!”
- Sign and footage declaring WELCOME TO COMPTON Y’ALL.
- These zombies can run really fast and verbalize that they are hungry.
- Zombie autopsy involves spurting neon green slime
- Mini-montages of zombies chewing bodies set to house music, including a man reclining on an elbow in the street, chewing on an arm like it ain’t no thing
- One of the homies states that he feels like he’s in a George Romero movie. The other guy doesn’t know what that is. That sounds about right.
- Ponyboy and the professor’s daughter get flirty and romantical with zombies trying to break down the fence a few yards away. What. Like any budget sexytimes plot, it develops that they GOTTA MAKE BABIES. FOR SURVIVAL OF HUMANS. THIS COULD BE OUR LAST NIGHT ON EARTH. The lead homie and his lady friend also manage to get some before the zombies actually bust down the fence, so you know, props unto them.
And there you have it.
My star ratings (out of 5):
Actual quality: 0.5
So bad it swings around to awesome: 1. The unnecessary sexual assaulting really brought this one down in my opinion.
Until next time, cheers and my best wishes that you not get caught by a bad movie.