Before I get started, I want to make a Public Service Announcement about breast cancer. After publishing my last post, I realized I made it sound like breast cancer treatment was a breeze, which is super not-true. I had two surgeries followed by 6.5 weeks of daily radiation treatment and was HIGHLY lucky that I didn’t have to do chemotherapy in between. I’m ok now, but for sure it wasn’t a walk in the park, and I did have a much easier time than many women (and men!) with breast cancer. So, you know, just so I don’t perptuate any pretty pink stereotypes about breast cancer.
Now, let’s get to the good shit. Or, rather the bad shit, as it were.
Rating: Pretty sure this was straight-to-TV
Running Time: 86 min
Unleashed upon the world in 2004
Starring: Casper van Dien (he of Starship Troopers and other Mountains of Dreck), Erika Eleniak (of Baywatch), and Coolio, who refused to stay in 1994 where he belongs.
All I have to say about the opening credits is that an alarming number of people were involved in this piece of shit. Oh and apparently there’s a subtitle “Infinite Darkness” which is probably where this idea should have been left.
Let’s review the cast of characters:
Captain Abraham van Helsing played by Casper van Dien, who I will refer to as Captain Toy Guns because he seems to think his arm muscles can’t be contained by sleeves.
Some scientist guy played by someone, who I will refer to as Science. Science is wheelchair-bound and has a vaguely British accent. #ofcourse.
Mina the shitty navigator played by some woman, who I will refer to as Pigtails because as a full-grown woman she has pigtails sticking straight out the back of her head.
Humvee the big black salvage worker played by Tiny Lister, who I will refer to as Humvee because that really is the best name for him.
187 played by Coolio, who I will refer to as Coolio because duh, seems to have a prime directive of smoking all the pot in the universe.
Aurora the 2nd in command played by Erika Eleniak, who I will refer to as Baywatch. Completely unsurprisingly a significant percentage of the movie is spent discussing her boobs.
Ok fine, so Captain Toy Guns is in charge of some salvage spaceship in the year 3000. He gets a tip that there is some random ship floating in space that was thought to be MIA for years but seems like it’s headed towards Earth, so he heads over to see if he can’t get all the goodies off the ship first, and obviously, this is where shit will start to go badly wrong.
They send dumbass Pigtails and Humvee to scout out what’s going on with the mystery ship. Please, Pigtails, grunt louder when you hear weird noises so the vampires can find you easier. By the way, she and Humvee are breathing via an apparatus that looks to be made of Nerf balls and PVC tubing and resembles those hats that hold the beer cans on either side of your head.
We are also treated to intermittent clips of what is supposed to be the video diary of the mystery ship’s long-dead captain which looks heavily Instagramed.
I would stop and name all the incidents of tired sexual and sexist innuendo and racial stereotypes but I do not have the time or the energy. Just know that the quality (lack thereof) is not the only offensive thing about this movie.
Ok here’s what you’ve been waiting for, Coolio spending some alone time with a bong. Captain Toy Guns barks at him over the intercome to get his ass up and help them. Coolio and Humvee (of course, both the black guys) find a room full of coffins, which Coolio is sure will contain all sorts of delicious abusable substances. In prying open one of the coffins, he badly cuts his hand and drips all over the contents of the coffin. VAMPIRES! IT’S SUPPER TIME!!!
Coolio done gets bit along with a spectacular bone-poking-out-the-skin fracture of his leg. Science tries to assess the situation and notices the bite marks on his neck, but before anyone can really figure out what that means, Coolio awakens with Hawaiian Punch Fruit Juicy Red eyes and some big ass incisors.
We learn that Coolio’s new master, Count Orlock (that might be how it’s actually spelled, please ask me if I give two farts) hails from the planet Transylvania which is part of the Carpathian system and where they obviously also speak English. Having literally sucked that planet dry, the Count and Friends paid for space on this ship to get to Earth where they are told many Tasty Treats await them.
The combined team of Coolio and Dracula picks off most of the crew until only Humvee and Baywatch remain. The two try and prevent the ship from returning to Earth and then end up sacrificing the ship and themselves to do so.
Which means it’s time for:
WTF Goulash of Images
- When Humvee and Pigtails take off their Nerf PVC breathing apparatus, Humvee pretends to choke to get Pigtails’s attention and then plants a big wet one on her lips instead. “Once you go black you never go back.” That is an actual quote, not my commentary. Also, her lip gloss remains intact throughout. I would like to know what product that is.
- Baywatch’s uniform is a black cleavage tank and pleather pants #ofcourse
- They find the first dead guy and Baywatch actually has to tell Coolio not to stick his finger into the corpse’s mouth. The corpse is holding a cross which Coolio reads as a big silver plus sign and assumes this means the corpse was into math.
- Baywatch wants to uphold the law and find out what happened to the ship before bringing it back to Earth, because David Hasselhoff taught her well.
- Dope is apparently legal in the year 3000 but Coolio is still combing the mystery ship for way awesome shit that you can’t get over the counter.
- In the process of figuring out the mystery ship, Science flips all the switches which surprisingly doesn’t have any desired effect and the mystery ship detaches from their home ship i.e. they are fucked and shit is going to start going down.
- Captain Toy Guns breaks a pool cue on Vampire Coolio to no effect and gets sent flying across the room. I think that’s fair.
- Vampire Coolio taunts the crew with his descriptions of his Baywatch fantasies and how they can’t kill him, and when Baywatch pumps a few rounds into him, they discover he is not lying.
- Vampire Coolio can run superfast, but when confronted with Master Dracula, actually hops around like a monkey. I do not even want to comment on the overtones here.
- Re: Vampire Coolio wanting to get with Baywatch
Science: I think he wants to titty-f*ck her first 😦
Pigtails: This is so wrong.
Thanks, Pigtails. That was helpful.
- At one point, Dracula finds Baywatch and thinks she is superhot, but it turns out she is of no use to him because she’s a spy robot. Yes. Baywatch is a busty busty robot.
- Dialogue Moment
Baywatch: Who are you? What do you want???
Dracula: Darkness. Infinite darkness.
- Pigtails gets taken out by Vampire Coolio right after declaring to Science that there is nothing to be scared of. That’s one for Team Dracula. Good work.
- Humvee actually threatens to “bust a cap in yo ass”.
- Humvee shows he is dumber than dirt when he opens the door to Vampire Coolio’s pleadings that he doesn’t feel well and doesn’t Humvee know brothers got to stick together? Yes, that happened. To Vampire Coolio’s credit, he does call Humvee a dumbass for falling for that.
- Vampire Coolio when he finally gets staked proper by Humvee: “Pool stick. Unbelievable”
- Science uses the word “disenable”. Which is not a word.
- Of course they leave the pool cues stuck in the vampires they kill instead of taking the cues with them.
- Humvee and Baywatch manage to close Dracula’s arm in the door and lop off his hand. Humvee opines that you should ALWAYS put out the “do not disturb” sign. What. Dracula cries a bunch over his lost hand.
- After everyone else has been killed except for Dracula, Humvee and Baywatch try to figure out what to do because neither of them knows how to pilot the ship. Baywatch reveals that before she was a spy bot she was a Proteus 3.4 PB. Which stands for Pleasure Bot. She urges Humvee to use this still-functioning capability. He says she ain’t gotta tell him twice.
- We see the ship blow up and after the credits, Humvee has Baywatch slung over his shoulder. He jovially declares “That’s what I’m talkin’ bout!” and slaps her on the ass. So, I guess a happy ending?
And there you have it.
My star ratings (out of 5):
Actual quality: 0.5
So bad it swings around to awesome: 1. It was more dull than anything else.
Until next time, cheers and my best wishes that you not get caught by a bad movie.