Hey friends! Long time no see, I know, but apparently it’s Sharknado Week on SyFy, and I just couldn’t ignore the siren call of the Asylum and their exquisitely bad movies any longer. I am writing this post on the premiere date of Sharktopus vs. Pteracuda so expect a recap of that in the future.
Unbelievably, I haven’t caught the first Sharknado yet but I know that it stars Steve from 90210 (Ian Ziering) and Tara Reid, and that Steve gets eaten by a shark but chainsaws his way through its body like you do. I was ok with not having any more background than that for Sharknado 2: The Second One, so let’s hit it after the jump.
Right, so we open on a commercial airliner in a world where Kelly Osbourne would get hired as a flight attendant, lavender hair and all. She asks Steve (I don’t know what his real character name is and don’t care, it might be Fin or something) to autograph his book which is all about how to survive a Sharknado I think. He defers to his ex-wife, Tara Reid, who wrote said book, and Kelly O tries to be grateful for her autograph instead. Steve then goes back to brooding about getting eaten by a shark and stares out the window, fearing a reboot of Sharknado. Weren’t we all, Steve, weren’t we all.
So Robert Hays (Ted Striker from Airplane!) was cast as the pilot for this plane which is A+++ choice obviously. Tara Reid is checking her phone on the plane like a fuckwad when Steve looks out the window again and THIS TIME FOR REAL HE KNOWS HE SAW A SHARK. Kelly O comes over begging him to calm down and a US marshal tells him in no uncertain terms that he has to shut it down, man. Y’all should have listened to Steve because HOSHIT IT’S SHARKNADO TAKE TWO.
One of the Sharknado sharks takes out an engine and the co-pilot THINKS that they’ve been hit. Seriously you can’t tell from your giant instrument panel and also the huge thud? Striker is all befuddled because sharks hitting his windshield at 30,000 feet. Wil Wheaton is on the plane and freaking the fuck out. Kelly O tries to settle people down but a shark has punched its way onboard and chomps off her head. At this point the copilot thinks it’s a good idea to stick her head out the window (spoiler alert: it’s not) and she and Striker get sucked out the window because that’s what happens when you do that shit on a plane.
Wil Wheaton, while flailing, carefully leans as far out into the aisle as he can so the Sharknado shark can eat his head cleanly and not get any gristly airplane seat back in this tasty mouthful. Everyone is screaming at this point and I don’t know if they’re all on benzodiazepines or what but the screaming is amazingly flat and non-piercing. For example, Tara Reid who sounds like a bored sheep bleating as she almost gets sucked out a hole in the side of the airplane. Steve staggers up front to take control of the plane and warns ground control that HE IS COMING IN HOT, OK. I hope there is no one on this planet or any other who says that during sex, just saying.
So US marshal slides his gun over to wailing Tara who uses it to shoot at incoming shark. Doesn’t faze it much as it bites off her hand anyway. She sheep-wails as she stares at the
PVC pipe coated with red corn syrup bloody stump of her arm MY HAAAAND MY HAAAAAND and the US marshal is kind of all “………………my gun! my gun!” Steve takes them in for a textbook shitty landing and all the survivng non-celebrity passengers celebrate with mild applause.
Real Film-making Advice: My husband just asked where the oxygen masks were the entire time but I don’t think he understands movie budgets and the kind of money it takes to create these amazing shark effects. Something had to go.
So OMG okay there’s a kicky Sharknado theme song with the opening credits and apparently Mark McGrath aka Sugar Ray is in this thing. AND my Sharknado buzz gets harshed most thoroughly when Matt Lauer shows up. I don’t want to get anyone’s hopes up so I’m just telling you now that he does not get killed in this movie which WHY THE FUCK HAVE MATT LAUER IN A MOVIE THEN. Anyway, Steve is trying to convince Officer Andy Dick and the News Cameras that sharks is coming and are they PISSED. Tara Reid gets taken to the hospital for her injury and I think one of the Spice Girls is her nurse because why not.
We pan to Kelly Ripa in crazy red stripper heels and Michael Strahan on their morning show. Look, Kelly Ripa, Michael Strahan is going to get his damn line in no matter how many times you try to talk over him. I hope their actual show isn’t like that.
Back at the hospital, the doctor asks Steve if Tara Reid is a fighter. What the fuck is he going to say “gosh, generally speaking no, she’s pretty pathetic, pretty sure she’s going to fold like a lawn chair now.” Whatever, now he’s talking to Tara and she was convinced that because the shark had a scar on its face that it knew who she was and was coming for her. Hon, maybe that sun damage and that dye job make you an easy-to-spot target. However, her eyeliner is still PERFECT so I would like to know WTF this product is.
The weather forecasts are now including shark winds, no big deal.
Ok so Sugar Ray has a wife, daughter and son. Sugar Ray and son head to ballpark and wife/daughter take the ferry out to the Statue of Liberty. Also apparently Sugar Ray’s wife is Steve’s sister and when the shit starts going down she gets a hold of Steve and begs him to get to the ballpark and save her family.
We got Sharknado COMING IN HOT over Manhattan and Matt Lauer and Al Roker are going to discuss the weather which includes snow HOW CRAZY but they’re not aware of the sharks yet because when the fuck does Matt Lauer know anything about anything.
So Steve is en route to the ballpark and gets the best cab driver ever i.e. JUDD HIRSCH. Sugar Ray and son are freezing because of the shark weather and here’s Vivica A. Fox with them because why not. Steve whines about the slow cab ride because he doesn’t understand how traffic and physics work. Judd Hirsch recognizes Steve and wants to know what the inside of a shark smells like. Steve tells him there are no words to describe it, but Judd opines that he had always expected it would smell like chicken. Oh Judd Hirsch you magical grizzled unicorn, you. He’s also an actor and wants to play Steve in a Sharknado movie but Steve shuts that down quickly.
Steve gets to the ballpark and runs into Vivica and WHOA SEXUAL TENSION.
Vivica: I forgot to give you something the last time I saw you.
Vivica: TONGUE. (well, this was acted out instead of actually said)
So that’s awkward. Steve tries to get Sugar Ray & Co out of the ballpark but Sharknado makes stadiumfall and chaos ensues. Richard Kind shows up to hit a shark out of the park, like you do. They get on a subway and you see product placement for Subway sandwiches right before seeing Jared from the Subway ads. This movie literally has everything. Sharks start eating the subway and Steve takes on one in single combat and escapes with no more harm than a baby shark stuck to the back of his jacket.
Judd Hirsch picks them up and they begin the hunt for weapons. Meanwhile Mrs. Sugar Ray & Co run into one of the guys from Shark Tank on the sidewalk, who gets basically obliterated by flying Statue of Liberty head. Mrs. Sugar Ray and friends run for it and get rescued by two garbage truck workers, one of whom gets decapitated by shrapnel while trying to get into the truck. No good deed, man, I tell you. Mrs. Sugar Ray takes the wheel of the truck and in double strong middle fingers extended towards physics, the Statue of Liberty head keeps chasing them. Mrs. Sugar Ray is driving the truck really badly and manages to drive the truck directly into an easily avoidable light pole. The Statue of Liberty head FINALLY gets stuck at the mouth of a tunnel.
Back to Matt and Al talking about Sharknado physics with a straight face and how NYC has gotta one-up LA (site of the first Sharknado.) Al urges extreme caution because TWISTER WITH TEETH.
Back to Steve and his crew foraging for weapons. OMFG STEVE RUNS INTO BIZ MARKIE AT A PIZZA PARLOR. A stray shark gets in and they bat it into one of the pizza ovens. Sugar Ray finds a bunch of crackers and his son turns up with super soaker guns and napalm, which what? Bodegas in Times Square just sell napalm??? Armed with costume sword, napalm, super soakers, and crackers, the crew sets out with Judd Hirsch at the wheel. Back at the hospital, Tara gets out and steals a fire truck or an ambulance or something.
BREAKING WEATHER UPDATE: the sharks can be coming down at 2 inches per hour!!!!! What.
Ok Manhattan and the cab get flooded so they’ve got to use a tow rope to swing to safety. Everyone makes it except for Judd Hirsch, poor guy, who gets his legs bit off by shark. Joke’s on the shark because one of those legs was fake and probably not tasty. Steve uses the shark backs in the water to get to safety, Frogger-style. Finally the Sugar Rays all find each other at the hotel but have lost most of their friends to sharks. Steve and Vivica head for the roof to………………….slingshot camp stove propane tanks into the heart of the Sharknado? What? Shockingly, this does not work like, at all, so they try slingshotting a bigger propane tank bomb. All this does is cause sharks flambe to fall to the streets and crush people.
TODAY SHOW FAKE METEOROLOGY: Al and Matt are discussing how the two EF2 Sharknados converging on Manhattan will probably combine to form an EF5 Sharknado. I feel like that’s not even kind of how that shit works.
Steve and Vivica give up trying to set sharks on fire and flee down the stairwell only to run into the Sugar Rays fleeing up the stairwell because the lower floors are flooding. Of course there are sharks in the stairwell. Although wailing really loudly can USUALLY open a locked stairwell door, Steve fails and is forced to fire extinguisher ax some sharks before chopping the door open.
Tara Reid picks up the gang in the FDNY vehicle she stole. They encounter Mayor Robert Klein who welcomes Steve to the Big Apple, because WHEN SOMETHING BITES US, WE BITE BACK. So now instead of bombs, Steve is going to fire freon tanks into the Sharknadoes because more fake science. Mayor gives Steve a genuine FDNY chainsaw that THEY DIDN’T EVEN HAVE TO GO TO JERSEY TO GET and Steve gives an inspirational speech atop a fire truck about scary sharks are scary. Then he gets the chainsaw started just in time to slice incoming shark in half, lengthwise.
Vivica and Steve head for Freon Tank Fake Science while Tara Reid takes a page out of Rose McGowan’s book and turns her arm into a circular saw. They successfully trigger freon explosion but Vivica totally is wiped out in the process and Steve is whirling through midair occasionally cutting sharks because he wants you to know he is really that badass. All the sharks are falling to the ground and everyone runs for their car trunks which contain a frightening number of machetes and semi-automatic weapons.
Back to the tv studios, Michael Strahan gets eaten but Kelly Ripa puts her stripper heel to good use right through a shark head. Matt Lauer and Al Roker impale a shark on the desk in front of them with a Today Show umbrella or some shit I don’t even know.
Steve ends up riding a shark through midair and impales it squarely on the Empire State Building or something. Who the fuck is going to climb up there and clean that shit up??? He climbs off the spire to meet Tara Reid but wouldn’t you know it, there are still sharks incoming and he needs a weapon. So he reaches into a dead shark and pulls out a severed arm holding a gun LIKE YOU DO and uses it to shoot the rest of the sharks.
THEN he pulls the sparkly ring off the severed arm and puts it on Tara Reid’s hand to replace the one that got bit off. Swear to fucking gods I cannot even make this shit up.
Celebrity Death Toll:
- Kelly Osbourne
- Wil Wheaton
- Guy from Shark Tank
- Judd Hirsch
- Vivica A. Fox
- Michael Strahan
So there you have it.