You guys, there are bad movies and then there are BAD F*CKING MOVIES. Sharktopus vs. Pteracuda is one of the latter. There is no one I recognize in this movie except for Conan O’Brien. Also, this doesn’t seem to be an Asylum production and the acting is noticeably worse than most Asylum joints which is something I didn’t know was possible outside of Twilight. Basically the best actors in the movie are Sharktopus and Pteracuda. Let’s get going, shall we?
Ok, so this hot mess opens to exuberant calypso music and some people bungee jumping off a cliff somewhere, I don’t even know or care where. Acting aside, this movie wastes no time plunging into some good Sharktopus action. Sharktopus jumps up out of the water and chomps people off the bungee like grapes off a stem. Someone with a laptop does something and Sharktopus blows up. What? A giant chunk of it goes floating out of the bay and is found by a woman studying ecosystems on a fishing boat. She slices open the chunk of Sharktopus and OMG IT’S A WEE BABY SHARKTOPUS EEEEEEE it’s actually kind of cute.
I didn’t see the first Sharktopus movie yet so I sense I missed some important Sharktopus science.
Ok so now we pan to some quasi-military command center where a scientist who I will refer to as Dr. Douche introduces the creature that he’s engineered as a weapon for the Pentagon. Allegedly he designed Pteracuda to replace drones. What. Dr. Douche wanted all the bitchiness of a pterodactyl but also adapted to the water so Pteracuda was born/grown/whatever. There’s a sneering shady character in the background who I am going to call Skinny Newman from Jurassic Park as I suspect at this point he is going to sabotage the Pteracuda demonstration. He fiddles with a briefcase console and takes off, confirming my suspicions as Pteracuda starts to go way off script and ignores Dr. Douche’s commands to settle down. Instead, Ptera comes for their building, busts through the roof and eats some people. A guy I will refer to as Muscles shoots Ptera with a handgun which has no effect at all. Keep this in mind for later.
Ok so a helicopter and crew take off to try and reel Ptera in. 4-5 people are shooting at Ptera with semi-automatic weapons and again, having no effect whatsoever. Skinny Newman is still controlling Ptera from his little briefcase console as he’s speeding to a hiding place. Ptera eats part of the helicopter crew before the copter plummets into the ocean. The remaining crew manages to survive about 15 seconds before Ptera chomps them out of the water. Ptera is down to one lone survivor (Muscles) on his plate when Skinny Newman spills a drink on the briefcase console like a fuckwad and crashes his car into a tree. Ptera starts to malfunction and Muscles gets away.
Ok so the woman who found Wee Baby Sharktopus apparently brought him to her uncle’s aquarium where she works and has been raising it. This should end happily. Uncle Boss is setting up Sharktopus as a tourist attraction that “makes all your nightmares come true.” Because that’s the aim of all successful tourist attractions. The woman who I will call Trainer is working with Sharktopus but he’s not nearly as awesome as Uncle Boss wants. Sharktopus tentacles regularly come out of the water and bop people.
A really fucking annoying tourist couple sneers at the dolphins they have paid to play with (WHAT HOW DO YOU SNEER AT A DOLPHIN) and demand to see Sharktopus. Trainer tells them no even though Tourist Husband promises GOOD MONEY for a pic with Sharktopus.
Later, Trainer is brooding at home to her boyfriend about wanting to get rid of Sharktopus’s aggressive behavior. MAYBE YOU SHOULD HAVE STUCK WITH DOLPHINS INSTEAD OF HALF SHARK HALF OCTOPUS THEN. She is all I WILL DO SCIENCE AND BE RESPECTED because of fucking Sharktopus. Apparently Sharktopus can point to words and symbols so conveniently points to “EAT” and the restroom symbol for man. Good job, Sharktopus.
Anyway, Fucking Annoying Tourist Couple get in Uncle Boss’s face and demand to see Sharktopus and throw money on his desk as proof that they mean serious business. So for literally $120, Uncle Boss takes them out back to see the big guy. Dumb Tourist Wife sits down on the dock and sticks her feet right in Sharktopus water and his tentacles come out and slap her around a bit. Her assface husband gets it all on video and then drags her away saying they’re going to sue Uncle Boss.
Jumping ahead because boring whining stuff and then Muscles staggers back to the Ptera facility where he tells Dr. Douche that he’s the lone survivor and Dr. Douche’s only response is “WELL MY CHILI ALWAYS WINS THE COOK-OFF.” What? They turn on the local news to see if there are any Pteracuda reports but instead see the Fuckannoying Tourist video of Sharktopus. They decide that this is their ticket to getting Ptera back in line so go offer Uncle Boss a bunch of money to take Sharktopus on a flatbed truck to somewhere else. In trying to sedate Sharktopus, Muscles actually pulls out a drill covered with tin foil or some such nonsense. Trainer is none too happy about these shenanigans with her precious Sharktopus and Uncle Boss ends up locking her in a room to shut her up. Uncle Boss gets a briefcase full of money from Dr Douche for the use of Sharktopus.
So, Sharktopus in the ocean and it is on like Donkey Kong. Pteracuda swoops in to eat some tasty divers and Sharktopus pounces. I really can’t tell if they’re fighting or rage-banging. Anyway, some more fighting and then a priceless scene where Ptera tries to fly off only to be snared in Sharktopus tentacles. Ptera gives Sharkie a one-two bitchslap and takes off. Sharktopus looks blankly after Ptera for a second which he can totally jump way up so I don’t know why the fuck he’s just sitting there.
CONAN O’BRIEN TIME. Conan is lying on the beach in full yacht club regalia while his assistant adjusts an umbrella over him (because ginger burns easily). Conan is a total douche pervert for this incarnation of himself and they start discussing Sharktopus which Conan is TOTALLY NOT AFRAID OOOH SHARKTOPUS OOOOH. Conan gets hit with a volleyball and stands up shrieking about how he’s Conan O’Brien, oblivious to the giant tentacle slithering out of the water behind him. The tentacle impales the back of his head and comes out his mouth, and then the Shark part bites off his head. However, gingers must not taste so good because Sharktopus spits out the head, which sails into the volleyball game and gets batted back and forth before landing in the sand and ends up looking exactly nothing like Conan O’Brien.
Ok so Ptera shows up and eats a little boy’s Sharktopus kite like a total dick and everyone freaks out and starts clearing the beach except for Fucking Annoying Tourist Couple who SOMEHOW DO NOT GET EATEN AGAIN. This is even worse than Matt Lauer surviving Sharknado 2. Later, we see them on a plane and Tourist Wife is screeching for more liquor like she hasn’t been completely lit for this entire vacation. The flight attendant refuses before Ptera lands on the wing of the plane and starts snacking on the engines. The plane goes down in a fiery crash FINALLY THANK YOU CHEEZITS NO MORE FUCKANNOYING TOURIST COUPLE.
Meanwhile, Skinny Newman’s nefarious tactics have been discovered and of course he’s Russian with a terrible Russian accent to boot. Trainer’s Uncle Boss is superdrunk and closing the aquarium because of all his new cash money. Sharkie and Ptera are steadily eating more people in the water and then Sharktopus flings Ptera into a lighthouse which breaks right in half.
Ugh, so a whole series of misadventures like Muscles and Dr. Douche kidnap Trainer for her Sharktopus knowledge and her bf gets his head eaten by Ptera and Trainer gets all sulky because everyone wants to kill Sharktopus MAYBE THAT IS A GOOD IDEA, YOU BIG DUMB DUMMY. They decide Sharktopus will probably head back to the aquarium because of Trainer. Drunk Uncle Boss (Druncleboss?) is looking for his niece at the aquarium when Sharktopus bursts out of the water and pummels him.
HOSHIT YOU GUYS, SHARKTOPUS IS AN ALL-TERRAIN VEHICLE. He snakes out of one pool and into a canal outside, on the way casually impaling a guy walking by, just like you’d swat a fly.
Ok anyway, Muscles, Dr. Douche, and Trainer are all on the hunt for Russian Newman to get control of Ptera again. Russian Newman’s actually been setting up Pteracuda for an undisclosed dictator who will give him shitloads of money. He manages to escape briefly before getting shot by Muscles and his arm eaten off by Ptera. Oh irony. So Ptera’s coming in hot again in pursuit of Dr. Douche and Friends. Muscles shoots Ptera twice with a handgun which if you recall, did nothing before and also five semi-automatic weapons did nothing either. THIS TIME, however, Ptera is all “whoa what did you shoot me”. Ok whatever. Ptera lands on the beach and then he and Muscles face off in hand-to-hand combat. Muscles takes out literally the shortest combat knife ever as defense against GIANT PTERACUDA. Ptera takes off for whatever reason dictated by the script i.e. we still need Muscles.
Muscles finds Dr. Douche on the phone negotiating with Russian Newman’s dictator and promising him MORE PTERACUDA. It’s like he’s not even learning one tiny little thing from this. Muscles has had it and forces Dr. Douche into a shitty rowboat and out to sea. Then he shoots holes in the boat and Dr. Douche is desperately trying to bail out the boat with his hands hahahahaha. Ptera comes down and grabs Dr. Douche YAAAAAAY but Sharktopus wants in on this too and as Ptera is taking off with him, manages to rip him off a Dr. Douche drumstick.
Ugh, back to Trainer wailing about how she put people’s lives in danger. OH WITH A GDAMN SHARKTOPUS YOU DON’T SAY. She and Muscles use more fake science to lure the Pteracuda in with a – I shit you not – giant disco ball. Then Muscles plans to harpoonbomb the shit out of it. The plan goes pretty well although once confronted with Ptera again, Muscles shoots it with his handgun again. WHAT ABOUT YOUR FUCKING HARPOON BOMB YOU WERE JUST TALKING ABOUT. Finally he gets the harpoon gun and nails Ptera. Ptera and Sharktopus are fighting again and then KABLOOEY. Creature parts everywhere. They assume both creatures are dead and start opining about how they could use a vacation when Sharktopus grabs onto the boat and looms out of the water, setting up whatever the next battle for Sharktopus will be.
So, there you have it. Our DVR is packed with more goodies like the first Sharktopus and the first Sharknado, plus some other assorted Asylum goodies, so stay tuned, my faithful 7 readers!