Resurrection

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To my dear 7 readers:

Obviously, I’ve been gone for a while.  2012 has been the most hugely paradoxical year of my life.  To briefly review:

The really bad: Breast cancer.  There is really nothing like hearing the words “You have cancer.”  It sucks most heavily.

The better:  I am cancer-free today and hope to stay that way always.  Treatment wasn’t horrible and now I am just on medication and the occasional doctor visit, unlike the time just after diagnosis when I would pull into a hospital parking lot and have to think about who I was there to see that day and why.

The best: I met the love of my life.  He utterly gets me.  We are looking forward to being a man/woman version of Waldorf and Statler in our old age.

This is totally going to be us.

 

Anyway, so between this, that, and the other, I got derailed from my blistering critiques of shitty movies.  Now I feel it’s time to come back, if for no other reason than Netflix and Amazon Instant Video have been assaulting my senses with an amazing selection of bad movies.

Coming Attractions

Dracula 3000: starting Casper van Dien, Erika Eleniak (yes, of erstwhile Baywatch fame and fortune), and wait for it.  No seriously, wait for it.  COOLIO.  If you had thought the rest of your existence safe from Coolio, you were not alone and you were also super-wrong.

Birdemic:  yeah I don’t even know the people in this.  Suffice it to say no one took home an Oscar from this.

Abraham Lincoln vs. Zombies: That’s right, zombies and not the vampire hunter version that was on the big screen this year.

Killer Klowns from Outer Space: This is some serious fucking sacrifice I make for you, 7 Readers, because clowns really do freak my shit out.

Making notes on Dracula 3000 today, so look for it in the next couple/few days.  It’s good to be back.  Ish.

Coming Attractions: Fall 2011

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Here are some of the upcoming titles I hope to endure for the entertainment of my 7 or so readers!

Shark Attack 3: Megalodon:  starring a bunch of people I don’t know but I feel the title is self-explanatory.  Actually I feel that way about most of the titles I selected.

The Last Airbender:  I have never watched the TV show that inspired this movie but I have heard the movie has standalone rottenness.

Eye of the Beast:  starring James Van Der Beek, better known as DAWSON’S CREEK.  I hope he cries at some point during this film.

Birdemic: Shock and Terror:  starring a bunch of people including Tippi Hedren, of the original Hitchcock joint The Birds.

Mutant Vampire Zombies from the ‘Hood!:  Not like I could go wrong based on the title alone but this also stars C. Thomas Howell aka PONYBOY!  STAY GOLD AND ZOMBIE-FREE, PONYBOY!

 

Coming Attractions: August 2011

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(re-posted from Leprechaun 5 Coming Attractions)

If Netflix streaming doesn’t rip them from my grasp, full play-by-play reviews of:
Mega Piranhas: starring Tiffany. YES, that Tiffany. Plus, Greg Brady as the m-fucking Secretary of State.
Mega Python vs. Gatoroid: starring DEBBIE GIBSON AND TIFFANY. Oh yes. Somehow you knew that the only thing missing from those mall concerts back in the day was IMMINENT DOOM WROUGHT BY GIANT CGI REPTILIAN CREATURES.