Sharktopus vs. Pteracuda

0

You guys, there are bad movies and then there are BAD F*CKING MOVIES.  Sharktopus vs. Pteracuda is one of the latter.  There is no one I recognize in this movie except for Conan O’Brien.  Also, this doesn’t seem to be an Asylum production and the acting is noticeably worse than most Asylum joints which is something I didn’t know was possible outside of Twilight.  Basically the best actors in the movie are Sharktopus and Pteracuda.  Let’s get going, shall we?

Continue reading

Sharknado 2: The Second One

1

Hey friends!  Long time no see, I know, but apparently it’s Sharknado Week on SyFy, and I just couldn’t ignore the siren call of the Asylum and their exquisitely bad movies any longer.  I am writing this post on the premiere date of Sharktopus vs. Pteracuda so expect a recap of that in the future.

Unbelievably, I haven’t caught the first Sharknado yet but I know that it stars Steve from 90210 (Ian Ziering) and Tara Reid, and that Steve gets eaten by a shark but chainsaws his way through its body like you do.  I was ok with not having any more background than that for Sharknado 2: The Second One, so let’s hit it after the jump.

Continue reading

Dracula 3000

0

Before I get started, I want to make a Public Service Announcement about breast cancer.  After publishing my last post, I realized I made it sound like breast cancer treatment was a breeze, which is super not-true.  I had two surgeries followed by 6.5 weeks of daily radiation treatment and was HIGHLY lucky that I didn’t have to do chemotherapy in between.  I’m ok now, but for sure it wasn’t a walk in the park, and I did have a much easier time than many women (and men!) with breast cancer.  So, you know, just so I don’t perptuate any pretty pink stereotypes about breast cancer.

Now, let’s get to the good shit.  Or, rather the bad shit, as it were.

Continue reading

22 Minutes I Can Never Get Back: Whitney

0

At the urging of my friend Amy, I am taking a break from movies to review the pilot of the new NBC sitcom, Whitney.  I knew from the commercials that I wanted to punch this show in the throat, so I reluctantly agreed that this would be a good vehicle for my brand of bitter commentary.

Whitney stars Whitney Cummings, a comedienne I have never really cared for the few times I’ve seen her talk.  Her style is crass and stereotypical without ever making it to funny, in my opinion.  Is her new sitcom more of the same schtick?  If you feel the motivation, let’s find out.

Continue reading

Mutant Vampire Zombies from the ‘Hood!

0

Mutant Vampire Zombies from the ‘Hood!
Rating: I don’t know, IMDB didn’t even have poster art for this thing.
Released somewhere in 2008
Running Time: IMDB thinks 90 minutes, Netflix Instant thinks 81.
Starring: C. Thomas Howell STAY GOLD, PONYBOY!!! and Tyshawn Bryant

When the opening credits unfolded I thought maybe I had the wrong film because it looked like an off-brand Star Wars.  But the graffiti font title exuberantly confirmed that I had indeed landed in the intended bag of crap.

Continue reading

Mega Python vs. Gatoroid Part 3

0

So I left all 7 of you hanging in the middle of the dumbest catfight since Lindsay Lohan and Hilary Duff got into it over that tool, Aaron Carter.  (<- this is why I can’t learn new things – inappropriate memory allocation)  Debs and Tiffy have just thrown each other into the water, Sidekick has likely gotten eaten by gator or python or both and Cruz from Santa Barbara is cursing the day he let Oprah validate him as a totally useful resource in the Care and Handling of RidonkoBeasts.

Continue reading

Mega Python vs. Gatoroid Part 2

0

When last we left our Has-Been Bubblegum Pop Icons, they were careening towards a cinematic showdown with Tiffy on the side of the gators and Debs firmly on Team Python.  (Yes, that probably was written on a public restroom wall about her.  Just remember, folks, who among you can really cast the first stone there, glass houses, etc etc).  Will Cruz from Santa Barbara come to break up the inept bitchery?  Let’s find out!

Continue reading