So I left all 7 of you hanging in the middle of the dumbest catfight since Lindsay Lohan and Hilary Duff got into it over that tool, Aaron Carter. (<- this is why I can’t learn new things – inappropriate memory allocation) Debs and Tiffy have just thrown each other into the water, Sidekick has likely gotten eaten by gator or python or both and Cruz from Santa Barbara is cursing the day he let Oprah validate him as a totally useful resource in the Care and Handling of RidonkoBeasts.
When last we left our Has-Been Bubblegum Pop Icons, they were careening towards a cinematic showdown with Tiffy on the side of the gators and Debs firmly on Team Python. (Yes, that probably was written on a public restroom wall about her. Just remember, folks, who among you can really cast the first stone there, glass houses, etc etc). Will Cruz from Santa Barbara come to break up the inept bitchery? Let’s find out!
Mega Python vs. Gatoroid
Rating: Come on y’all, this is straight-to-TV
Running Time: 90 min
Unleashed upon the world in 2011
Starring: DEBORAH GIBSON. TIFFANY. AND OH SHIT THEY GOT CRUZ FROM SANTA BARBARA
Now, if you’ve read my synopsis of Mega Piranha, you know this is a battle I had hoped that Tiffany would lose and lose hard. But mere minutes into the movie I was hoping for both these numbnuts to get eaten by any given giant creature available. So did they? This here is the best way to find out. Let’s hit it!
Here it is, the ridiculous wrap-up to the ridiculous film that you’ve all (all 7 of you) been waiting for! We left Tiffs and the gang in the grip of a full-body freakout over how very wrong Tiffy’s piranha experiment has gone. The piranha have laughed off all efforts at containment/destruction and are merrily headed for the good old US of A.
(Because I have taken so long since my last blog post with being out of town and being sick, I am delivering the Mega Piranha goods in 3 parts.)
Running Time: 92 min
Inflicted upon the viewing public in 2010
Starring: Tiffany of 1980s mall tour fame and misfortune, Greg Brady (Barry Williams) and some guy named Paul Logan.
I’m going to tell you all up front that Tiffany is an even worse actress than Deborah Gibson, and that is no small feat.
(re-posted from Leprechaun 5 Coming Attractions)
If Netflix streaming doesn’t rip them from my grasp, full play-by-play reviews of:
Mega Piranhas: starring Tiffany. YES, that Tiffany. Plus, Greg Brady as the m-fucking Secretary of State.
Mega Python vs. Gatoroid: starring DEBBIE GIBSON AND TIFFANY. Oh yes. Somehow you knew that the only thing missing from those mall concerts back in the day was IMMINENT DOOM WROUGHT BY GIANT CGI REPTILIAN CREATURES.